31 October 2008

Who would you reach out for?

I was just watching NUMB3RS, and this question was presented at the end towards the person Don was conversing with.

Who would you reach out for? If you were dying? The agent in the show reached for the picture of his family in his helmet. He wanted his family to be with him.

And then it hit me. I don't know who I would reach out for. But unfortunately, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a family member. Maybe it would be, but I have this unsettling feeling it wouldn't be.

And to be honest I don't know why.

I should want to reach out for family.

But part of me wants there to be someone else there. Someone who would be just as important to me as a family member. A significant other. I have a feeling if I were to ask Bro he would probably say Cece, his GF of three years. And Mom would be Dad, and Dad Mom.

I have no clue what to do about this feeling. I don't even fully understand it.

Guess it'll be one my mind for the next few days. Maybe talking to Kris on Wednesday will help.

Now I'm curious.
Who would you reach out for?


This is getting kinda boring.

I need new ways to say "I had an awesome attack free day."

Anyone have any suggestions?? Please please help a kid out.


30 October 2008

Did they really do that?

Well, yeah, they did.

At the Pep Assembly today, some of the teacher's danced. With 'things on wheels'.
It was.....awkward. One of the teachers did a cartwheel...good job to her.

The other dance groups were awesome!

And the drum line?? Amazing. Plus I give them props for being able to distract a gym full of high school students while a girl was being taken out of the bleachers by Medics and FF's. (It wasn't even me!!) There was totally some symbol action going on. Very cool.

And once again, I haven't had an attack today!! And I made it to all my classes, and now I have a 3 day weekend to look forward to.

I do have some homework to do though. Bleh. I'll do it tomorrow. I wanna be lazy right now.

I went to the doc's today after school for my ear. It's felt really full, like something was pressing on my ear drum from the inside for the last few days. Turns out it's actually from the cold I had earlier this week.

So you have this tube that goes from your lower throat to your middle ear. It's called the Eustachian tube. When pressure from outside raises, the Eustachian tube opens and air flows through it to equalize the pressure. That's why your ears 'pop' with changes in altitude.

When I got sick, that area at the back of my throat/nose got inflamed, blocking the Eustachian tube, so it can't open and equalize. It's called ETD, or Eustachian Tube Dysfunction.

So, I have to take Nasonex and use a saline nasal spray once a day to get the swelling to go down. That should make my ear feel better.

Other that that I'm doing good. I was actually excited to see Dr. S...It's the first time in about 2 years I've had to go to the doctor's for something completely unrelated to the attacks. And it was good to be able to let him know how I'm doing.

So. Good day. I'm out.


29 October 2008

Good Day part 2

Actually it's more of a duplicate.

Only much better!!

I made it to all 6 classes. And, and, not one single attack. Even when I saw the overwhelming amounts of Geometry homework I need to make up. =(

But, we're getting things figured out slowly.
And we have some ideas as to how school is gonna change pretty soon.
I'll be dropping Medical Careers, and most likely Biology as well.
I'm also thinking about setting my Geometry to a No Mark class. Meaning I'll still be responsible for completing the work and learning the material, but because I've already passed 1st semester of Geo I don't need another credit for Geo 1, and so I just won't have a grade for the class this semester.

I'm just happy. Very much so actually.
Things are finally looking up.

And tomorrow is our last day of school for the week. So a short day cause we have an assembly at the end of the day. The plans for classes seem fun...


But, I did have a gross moment in Geo today. I was trying to do a program for area and circumference of circles. But, I would do a problem, and then need to use the same formula for the next problem. Only even if the problems were the same in a row (area, then area) I would forget the formula from problem to problem. I'm sure it's just that I haven't been memorizing in a while, but still....made me kinda nervous.

So. Things are doing well overall.

I guess....


28 October 2008

Some other stuff

We found some info last night involving narcolepsy and twins.

What it says, in one study, is basically this.

Narcolepsy in mono zygotic (genetically identical) twins.

For the second born twin, which is me, Narcolepsy developed normally, that is started at about 15, and followed the normal course.

For the first born twin, which is Ash, according to this study, narcolepsy symptoms didn't start until much much later in life, like, 50. And it was triggered by long term poor sleep habits and a large amount of stress.

So...just some things to think on.

If the attacks are Cataplexy, which it seems they may very well be, then there's the strong possibility that I do have Narcolepsy, or will be exhibiting the other symptoms soon.

Which could be scary for Ash. And us.

BUT, its nothing to get freaked out about yet. Maybe not at all. Just, something to think on.



Today was absolutely awesome!!!!!

I made it to my first three classes on time, and through them just fine.
In Biology Miss E came in and talked to the kids. I was going to...but, I just couldn't. It's embarrassing sometimes.

Then, lunch time. I didn't eat, so I was in the nurse's office for a few. Then L, the school psychologist, came to get me. She wanted to catch me so we could do my Special Ed testing.

So, I was doing that 4th through 6th period, but at least we got it all done.

Notice no mention of some crazee incident? That's cause there wasn't one. I had one short, SHORT, 2 minute attack while working on some math.

That's all!!

Then, school was over, and Ash and I went to GSA. We were there until probably 3:30.
Bro took us home, then Ash and I walked (rolled) to the library to get some books.

We got out in front of the fire station, and I got onto the sidewalk from the gravel. As we headed down the sidewalk to the driveway of the fire station, we saw the garage door opening so we waited for them to get out, and pull out of the driveway.

But they didn't lol. One of the firefighters, we'll call him HG (Happy Guy) was like, waving his arm of at me through the window of the truck. They stopped and he was like. "Bri? Right?" I nodded, and so he jumped out of the truck, then the guy driving, QG (Quiet Guy) and one of the guys in the back, YG (Young Guy) got out and came over. And we talked. It was cool. HG commented on how nice it was to see me upright and awake. LOL.

And we talked about how I've been doing in regards to the meds, and that I only had one attack today. And I thanked them. A lot. They asked if they could do anything if they see me. But honestly, they're amazing. Very patient and understanding. And they don't do unnecessary things. They were glad to see me doing better. They told me to feel free to stop by to talk, or just check in and let them know what was going on.

So. That helped make my day better. And then Ash and I got new books. We waited a bit for Mom and Dad, and once they picked us up we went to QFC to get foods. And pumpkins!!!

We carved pumpkins, Ash and Tori and I. Tori did a peace sign, Ashy did a moon and sun thing,(that was totally awesome), and I did a kitty face. I figured A would appreciate that. She's our next door neighbor, and she's 3? and soo cute lol.

So, those are done. And I'm just happy.



Okies. I think that's pretty much it.

27 October 2008

Hey y'all

So, good morning, rough afternoon.

I was cruising through 1st, 2nd, and most of 3rd. But towards the end of class I caught my teacher so I could talk to her about possible ways to make up my Bio homework. I'm about 2 chapters worth of work behind...

I wondered at the possibility of me doing like, an awesome poster board highlighting the outline and then detailing the info in Chapter 1, the chapter I missed completely due to the frequent attacks while on the Lamictal. My concern was in that I'm now two-three assessments behind, and I'm worried about being able to catch up on time if all I can do is the assigned bookwork and labs. That's why I proposed said awesome poster board.

She told me that while it was a good idea, she felt that I really needed to do the P&P's and such for Chapter 1, which means like, at least a week of work at this point.

I'll be honest. I was stressed. Out of my mind actually. The whole, "OMG I'm never going to get caught back up in my classes, therefore not be able to graduate on time, therefore fail at life" thing came on. (BTW I'm not saying anything against whether people graduate HS on time or get their GED, but for me, that's a personal requirement.)

So, I needed to calm down. And blow my nose. So I asked to 'step' outside the classroom. Actually, me knowing my history, I just opened the door a bit and leaned out.

Then, from what I've been told, I slipped into a fugue state. Got up out of my chair, and headed for the stairs. (I was in a third floor class.) Now, this is where it gets scary. We don't know if I actually fell down the stairs, or had an attack after I got off the stairs.

So, off to the hossy for me. And...just sucky time.


I was fine, just had to be checked out.

So, then we went back to the school, and I talked to Miss E, and I talked to Ms. W. She was worried, but I'm good. I'm gonna talk to the class tomorrow.

So...I have more news, but it can wait for tomorrow. I'm tired.


26 October 2008


I'm sick again. Cause my family is awesome and we like to share germs with each other.

So I feel gross. And I really just want to sleep. But I have chores and homework (i know i know)

And so I'm not sleeping.


*Drags self away from blog towards WC homework of DOOM!!*


24 October 2008

Pause, Play, Rewind

Pause, Play, Rewind

What if I gave you some buttons,
That could handle all of time?
And what if those three little buttons
Were Pause, Play, and Rewind.

What if we sat, side by side?
And looked through our memories together
Like looking through the T.V. channels
For the newscast or the weather

Pause, Play, Rewind

Rewind to 16 years ago
The day that I was born
And you held me in a blanket,
All wrapped up nice and warm


Those first years were quite hectic,
Or so your stories tell
And sometimes you wanted to cry,
And sometimes you wanted to yell


At four years old I didn't know
Why Daddy went away
Or why everything had to change
After all that happened that day


But we made it through the hard times
And things were looking up
Sometimes if you think about it
It's just an empty cup

And then we made the great big move,
Left what we knew behind
But we went to meet our family
So we knew that we'd be fine


Those years were tough but full of love
And things fell into place
Spending time with family and friends
Our town removed from the race


Then we joined the race again
And moved states one more time
Leaving what we knew
Our family and friends behind

A chance to start again
A blessing in disguise
At least, you could call it that
If you looked through different eyes


Once again we settled in
We were here to stay
And still things were getting better
With each passing of the day

Pause, Play

A couple years then went by
With plenty of drama to spare
Some days and night feeling like
It would be easier not to care

But then things changed drastically
And our world was flipped around
We got a house, and I got sick
Our lives were upside down


Our lives are stuck on pause
While we try to figure it out
But love is always here
I know this without a doubt

Love has always been here
I know this much is true
I know that we have memories
And hope within us too

I love you 'til the end of time
Happy Mother's Day

This is a poem I wrote my mom for Mother's Day
It goes with the last post quite a bit.

A mother's love.

My mom just told me she was proud of me, and that I was a thoughtful girl. Continually I have this 'battle' of sorts with myself and the outside world.

I see the things I do as my duty. It's how my parent's raised me. Volunteering to help a neighbor or asking her to help someone, someone I think she can help better than I can, that's second nature. I wonder why so many people tell me that what I do is special. I don't feel special doing it...

I realize though that to some extent, I do do things an "ordinary" teenager wouldn't. That's probably because I'm not ordinary. I've had many life experiences that have shaped me and made me who I am.

When I was four my dad was burned in an accident. During the next few years? months? we as a family were continually helped by the people and community around us. We stayed with friends while my father and mother were in Syracuse, fighting for my dad's life. I remember that Christmas, when us kids weren't expecting gifts at all...maybe a few things. When we woke up on Christmas morning though, our living room was filled with gifts. Toys, clothes, the like. It was the community's doing, and my families as well.

We went through some other rough times in NY...I remember things that have made me who I am today.

When I was 8 we moved back to MN, to the town I had been born in so we could live with my father's parents. While we had family close, and all had friends to support us, we also had our struggles. From the time us girls started school in 2nd and 3rd grade, we were teased. And I don't mean the kind of teasing you expect on a playground, or the shunning that normally comes from kids. I mean, teased to the point that most days we came home crying, not wanting to go to school the next day. To the point where I was incredibly self conscious, and knew every single one of my flaws, and couldn't see past them. We were told on one day that it was our fault our dad had almost died in the fire. And when I cried, I was told by the playground monitor to stop being a baby. The school protected them, but not us, because it couldn't.

I was glad when we moved in 6th grade. Not so much about leaving my best friend, or my family, or the small town I knew...but for the fresh start.

With the move came many many changes, and this 'town' was 10 times bigger than our previous home. It took a while to get used to, especially for me to find my feet in school again. I had been doing very bad at my old school, because school wasn't something for me to enjoy at that point.

By 7th grade I had made friends, and was doing pretty well. I liked it here, and the changes were okay by now.

By 8th grade, I was flourishing. I made National Junior Honor Society, something I never would have seen myself doing. I had a lot of friends, and my sisters and I were no longer the ones being bullied. Instead, I started sticking up for the ones who were bullied. I found my independence, saw past my flaws, and became strong. Sure there were a few kids who felt the need to be bigger and better, but I wasn't afraid anymore. I would tell kids to back off if I felt they were disrespecting me. Kids started coming to ME for help with homework, and I just felt good about myself.

I rode the train to MN with Ash to visit my grandparents. We felt independent, and grown up. During the summer I learned about family, and to respect boundaries.

Then high school started and I was still doing well. I found a love for horticulture, photography, and throwing in Track. I tried some things I've never done, like run for office, and a guy actually fell for ME. I was challenged in my classes, and came close to failing a few of my classes, and actually failed 1 or 2. I was having fun though. And I was discovering myself, and learning, and growing, and was just being normal. I had my very first attack that we knew of that May.

Over the summer I did a lot, and some of what I did scares me looking back. I babysat my neighbor's 3 year old son for 2 weeks. I helped Rich a lot, and I went out with my friends. And Eric and I were still dating, we loved each other I thought. I went with S to cheer leading, so she had someone rooting for her too. And I went with T to softball practice so I could help watch the boys. I learned a lot about responsibility this summer.

10th grade started and I plunged back into school with both feet. I loved my classes, and had friends and teachers to look forward to. A few days after school started, Eric dumped me. I confronted him, because I needed the truth. I moved past him. I changed things about myself, how I dressed, and I became slightly more girly. I think inside I felt it was my fault. That I wasn't girly enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough for him.
We also started packing. We had found a house, and were moving.

Then, in October, things started happening. We moved into the new house completely, and the attacks started coming very frequently. 5 in October, 3 of which were at school. By November I had been to the neurologist, and was scheduled for an MRI on the 4th. We started hearing things like "narcolepsy", "tumors", "seizures" scary words for a 15 year old who was previously in near perfect health.

The ER trips, Dr's visits, and tests kept coming. In January, my aunt passed away. While my parents were in NY for her funeral, I got hypothermia. Later that month, I was hospitalized for the attacks. They were so frequent we didn't know what to do. After a 4 day stay in the hospital, I was sent home with a diagnosis and the chair.

I got back in school, and things were getting better. I felt better, and we were moving in the right direction.

School was hard, and dealing with the social aspect of school was even harder. The kids I had hung out with in 9th and 10th grade were no longer there for me. Most of them had just....left me it seems. I did still have a close few, and I appreciated them all the more.

School ended, and we were moving again. The seizures happened, in the first few weeks of July. For the first time since the attacks started, I felt total chaos and confusion upon waking up in the ER. I was so sore, and I could feel the tubes in me. I just wanted everything and everybody to stop and go away.

Another hospital stay followed that first seizure, and 3 more ER visits after that for seizures.

Then came summer and I got to do some things I wanted/needed to do. I went to the beach, and I got to go out without family, and I got to go in a pool.

I also met for the first time with Dr. H, my psychiatrist. He's the one who first diagnosed me with Conversion Disorder, and then re-diagnosed me with Conversion Disorder. And yet interestingly enough, he no longer felt it was Conversion Disorder. So then we started down this road I've been on for a while with the new diagnosis and new meds and such.

Now, here I am. The attacks, they've taught me to be strong, and patient, and understanding. They've also taught me its okay to be sad, and get angry, and to feel bleh. And that I have a much larger support group then I thought.

I've also grown to appreciate the local fire department. The support they give my family and I is unbelievable. I'm not nearly as frightened when they respond for an attack, and have to deal with me, because they know about my condition, and they know what does and doesn't work.

My plan is to make them a Build-a-Bear firefighter bear. They deserve something.

So, this is me. This is what I was raised like. To respect my elders, and do good, and be strong. And that, it is okay to accept support if you need it. And that it's important you give back where and when and how you can.

Blame my parents. It's all their fault.


Still sick

I stayed home today as well. I still feel gross, and have a fever. So no school.

I hope by this weekend I'll be able to go out with Ms. E still. We were supposed to meet on Sunday for coffee, but I don't know. We'll see.

I'm just laying around really. I have my homework finished (mostly.) Sooo.....

Haha. Boring day. I'll be back on probably later tonight with something interesting to say.


23 October 2008

Not so good night.

I had a fugue state about two, three hours ago.

I was around the library or something IDK.

I had monitor pads on me, and my chest hurts just a lil bit, and I kinda sorta remember white lights. Ambulance I think/assume.

I woke up in the truck and daddy helped me inside to bed. I rested for a bit, then talked to mom for a bit.

We talked about how I've been feeling lately, how quickly my emotions change...And just talked in general. I liked that. I shared some of the stuff I've been doing with Kris with her.
She told me to stop worrying soo much about school. She said it's understandable to be stressed, especially given how important school is to me. But she said that I'm stressing a bit too much. I'm expecting much more from myself than is needed. Even though I've missed a lot, its kind of expected.

Right now I'm just going to try to focus on getting better. Really everything will work out much easier if I'm better.


Hey guys

This post is gonna be about Wednesday and a bit today.

Yesterday was really, really good!

I made it to school on time, and made it to almost all my classes.

I'm fully caught up in Intro to Printmaking.
Right now we're working on shadows and light, using our hands to do this.

At the end of Intro I had an attack. I was taken up to the nurses office and was only out for like.....20 minutes. Then I went to second period.I'm working on getting caught up in English. Slow but steady right?

Then came 3rd, Biology. Again, slowly looking towards getting caught up in Biology. This class I'm most behind in, and it's going to be the hardest to get back in the game. But I'm working on it.

Then came lunch, then we (Tori and I) went to the nurse's office to wait for Miss. Erickson to take me to 4th period.

I'm almost caught up in World Cultures, and tomorrow I should be taking the test for Chapter 3.

At the end of 4th I had another attack, and it was about 15-20 minutes long. After I woke up, I laid down for a bit until Dad got there cause I wasn't feeling well.

Then we went and got Ash, and I took some Tylenol, then off to Kris's. While Ash was having her appointment, dad and I went over to the dentist's to schedule Tori's next appointment.

Then I had my appointment, which was very very very good!

Then we went home, and Ash and I rolled/walked to the Library, then we sat for a bit and waited for Mom and Dad. We went to Costco, and got some things.

Then, home, food, bed.

Today when I got up the headache I had last night turned into a cough, sore throat, and headache. Pooh. So I'm taking a day off. I knew that spending so much time in the Nurse's office would get me sooner or later.

Well, TTFN

21 October 2008


I know its been a few days. I've just...not felt up to posting. Didn't have the urge at all whatsoever.

I actually don't remember what happened Friday. I'll have to ask some of the family to find out.

On Saturday we had some people over. One of Dad's car club buddies wrecked his Maxima, so they were tearing it down and parting it out in our garage. So there was like, three extra guys here. Us girls went shopping to get some things from the pet store and some groceries. Bed kinda late and then on to the next day.

Sunday we had a boatload of people here. Besides the FIVE extra guys tearing apart the car and us 6, we also had some friends over, B and N and their son. It was sooo fun!! L is doing so good. He's much more open towards us, and he even let me pick him up for a bit so we could 'talk' to my birdies. When he wanted to play he asked for 'together' so we knew to come play with him.

Monday was eh. I had one attack at the end of 2nd and it went all the way through 3rd, like 45 minutes. I woke up and was kinda ready for class and Tori was there, but she was like, you should go home. Because in 5th the classroom is reallly hot due to the computers. So, Bro was on his way, but before he got there someone pulled the fire alarm. Luckily I was with the nurse so we just went over by the gym under the cover to stay out of the rain. Bro got there about the time the fire trucks pulled up so he got there just in time.

Today...not so much. I had an attack while I was getting ready which is normally okay....but then I forgot to take my meds. I was trying to get out the door so Bro could get me to school on time. At least we know they work though. Cause I had a total of four attacks by 1. I did try. I made it to 3 of my six classes.

I just took my meds and something for my headache, and hopefully this afternoon is gonna go much better.


16 October 2008

Been a few days

Sorry guys I know it's been a few. I've had up and down days this week.

Tuesday was a sorta good day, I made it to school in 2nd period and had an attack in Biology, and then one during lunch as well, which lasted about an hour. I was just waking up enough to be able to go to 6th, and then Bro showed up. I didn't even know the nurse had called him. So I went home early, and stayed up until bedtime, which I normally don't do. I also started the Concerta on Tuesday.

Wednesday was FABULOUS!!!! I didn't have any attacks until 5th period! In 5th I had one that was about 30 minutes, which is amazing. It was at the end of class, and it was about halfway through 6th when I came around, so I stayed in the nurse's office and sat on one of the beds and read til school was out. Then I rode the bus home with Tori and Ash. After school I just hung around the house, again staying awake til bedtime.

Today...not so good. I had a rough morning, and didn't want to go to school. But, I had to go. I didn't even make it to first period though. I was having too many attacks, and I was just so exhausted. This new medication seems to be helping, because I'm able to sleep at night, but right now I feel like I'm just not getting enough to recharge my body fully. And so each day wears me out a little more. Hopefully this weekend I'll be able to get a good long rest.

I also got to go to the Library today. I needed to get some new books, and Ash too. Then I went with Bro to drop Ash off at her sailing thing.

Well, that's whats been going on. I need to go to bed.


13 October 2008

I'm soooo happy!!

I saw Dr. H today. We've ruled out seizures, and probably CD,

So now I'm going to try something for Cataplexy. I'm actually excited about it. It's been brought up many many times that my attacks look, and act like Cataplexy, in that they're triggered by emotion, and I'm still awake during the attacks.

The drug I'm trying is called Concerta. It contains one of the same ingredients that Ritalin does, but it's a much larger amount. The dose I'm starting at is the lowest possible, because we want to see how I react. If nothing changes good or bad, then I'll double it, which Dr. H said should help if its Cataplexy. The only real side effect to watch for is high blood pressure. When I have an attack, my blood pressure rises temporarily. During bad days, it stays high for most of the day. Like today, I had about 4 attacks, and so when they took my blood pressure in the office it was like..163/87

Soo....I'm happy! I just keep imagining being able to come back from Thanksgiving break, and NOT being in my wheelchair!!!

Yesh, I am very very thrilled.

Well, I think I am going to go crash on the couch and watch some TV.


12 October 2008

Status Message

"You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only option you have." My friend has this as her status message on her site. And how true....it's been proven to my family and I, over and over again. This isn't the first time our faith and strength as a family has been tested, and I know for certain it isn't going to be the last.

We as a family don't go to church together. My parents were raised differently, my Mom now being what she likes to call 'loose Catholic' and my Dad is Agnostic. I'm not sure Tori's views....I have a hard time reading her. Bro is Agnostic as well, and Ash and I practice Christianity. But we don't go to church, all for one reason or another.

I used to. But during the time when I wasn't allowed in school, I pretty much didn't go many other places. I tried a few times, but after my first attack at church....well, I was just uncomfortable. And my youth leader knew that, and so she gave me her number, and Mike's number, and said to call her if I ever needed her. Which was awesome.

Then, come January and the wheelchair, I finally gathered my confidence to go to church. Ash came with, and we went. It was hard for both of us, Ash has her own reasons I don't feel like discussing here, as it isn't my place. I was hopeful and excited to go.

The service was wonderful, and I felt awkward because I was still getting used to the chair (I had gotten out of the hospital the day before) But everyone was really nice, and it was SO great to get to see my Youth Group again! And even better, Sean, my pastor, took me aside and told me about the Lock in that night. A lock in is held at the actually church, and basically it was for the HS kids and started at 9, ended at 12 the next day. We were literally locked in for the duration, and basically it was just time for fellowship.

I was excited, so of course the first thing I did after the service was call Mom and ask if I could go. Ash came as well, and at 9 that night we showed up. I was under strict orders to stay in my chair unless Sean, Mike, or Becca knew I was getting out of it, and then only if I promised to stay on my sleeping bag while I was out of it. I agreed, I still kinda enjoyed the chair, and knew I wouldn't be spending much time sleeping anyways.

So the night started well, I had just met Becca earlier but she proved she was one of the most awesome leaders ever. She and I stayed pretty close that night...I was still really shy, and awkward. But I met up with some friends, and we all hung out. At about 4 in the morning, my hands were absolutely killing me from the chair, and I was exhausted from the last few days still. Becca and I put our sleeping bags down and I put my wheelchair right next to me and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I was devastated at what I saw. My wheelchair was sitting next to me, but the footrests were no longer connected to the chair. Not the whole things, just the actually rest that you put your foot on. It soon became apparent that some of the boys had taken my chair while I slept, and broken it. I knew who hadn't done it, but wasn't sure who had. I asked everyone, and no one could give me a straight answer.

Sean promised he would pay to have them fixed, but I couldn't let him, and neither could my parents. We all knew it wasn't his fault. But that incident, it put me off. How could I go to a church and Youth Group were I could only trust a very few people? Plus, I was just generally disappointed. Most of the HS kids there were my classmates...but no one could tell me the truth. Honestly, I felt betrayed.

So I no longer attend church on Sunday. And does it make me less of a Christian? Maybe some people see it that way, but my view is that God doesn't care the house, be it your own or His. Fellowship is nice, and I miss it, but I'm doing alright. I know God is helping me through this. I know God isn't leaving me, He loves me, and I know I'll be okay.


Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream...I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

11 October 2008

Friday was good.

I had a quiet day. I just stayed in the living room most of the day lol. Tori and I were the only ones home until Mom and Dad got off work, so we just hung out and talked. It was nice, really nice. We don't do that often enough.

And I'm tired, so I think I shall sleep, because what I wrote above pretty much sums up my day.


09 October 2008

I don't understand....

What happened last night? My head has a big bruise....and scratches in a patch. My right shoulder hurts really bad.

Mom explained what happened...a little. I guess, I guess I had a fugue state. And walked for a long bit. My phone is missing, and I'm sore.

And the last thing I remember is getting ready to go to bed last night. I still hadn't changed into my PJ's.

But, the worst part is that something much worse could have happened, and I'm so scared. I just want to be fixed....this needs to be fixed now.

I need this fixed....this is crushing my family. And me.

*EDIT. We found my phone...it was at the end of someones driveway not far from where I was found. The camara screen was broken, but the lens is fine, no scratches or anything. Plus a few dents in the casing...I was planning on getting a new case anyways.

And we're looking into personal GPS locators. It's a bracelet, and gives exact location. It hasn't come out yet, but very soon.

I think the next time I have a really long attack mom and dad should just take me to Children's. Then they would help....and we wouldn't have to wait for 4-5 months. IDK...I just want something, anything.

08 October 2008

Yesterday was funn!

School started at the normal time. I made it through the classes okay; Art, English, and then Biology. I talked with all my teachers and we're making progress towards getting me caught up in my classes.

Then came lunch, because they had to have a lunch period for it to count as a half day. Tori and I went out to the courtyard because we just planned on eating at home. Then, as we were waiting for our bus, this huge fight broke out. Seems some kids thought that Boy A had a gun, and Boy B warned Boy A. Boy A said " I don't have a gun and I'm fine fighting them" so those two took off up to the corner. About 2 minutes later, the entire group of kids that had swarmed up to the corner came back down the hill. That meant that about 75 kids came rushing back down, and they decided to stop on the road in front of where my bus was trying to park. Then fight ensues, and drama drama drama. Turns out Boy A really didn't have a gun. He had brass knuckles instead. So this kid got his head cut very badly, plus his hands are torn up from trying to protect his face.

Gah. I love my new school I love my new school I love my new school.

Anyhoo! After that, Tori and I rode our regular bus home and Ash and H rode the normal bus home. H is a friend of ours, and she was coming to hang out after school. We all got home, and then we made nachos for lunch. After lunch, Ash, H, and I went rode the city bus to the mall. We hung out there for like...4 hours lol. Then we rode the city bus back home, and waited for dinner to be done. After dinner of cheese lasagna and garlic bread, I made some cookies while Tori, Ash, and H played Rockband. H's mom came and picked her up at about 8 o'clock.

I was playing with Boom when I had an attack...it lasted probably about 10 minutes, and I was on the deck so I was fine. A little cold but...haha Boomer was laying right up against me with his head on my stomach. I love him...

And then....Mom and Dad got home at about 10. They had been in North Bend catching up with a friend they haven't seen in 14 years!! He lived in MN, and I guess we used to see him all the time when we were young young, like up til we were 2. They seemed to have had an amazing time.

I stayed home today. I had two attacks this morning before school....I didn't get enough sleep last night. So early to bed today.

Oh, and I get to see Kris today!!! That'll be good.
Plus maybe after Ash gets home we'll go to the library so I can return my books. I've had too much free time on my hands and I'm all done with my books.


06 October 2008

School tomorrow

I didn't do much today. Slept, read, played Fantastic Contraption, and played with Boomer. And slept some more.

Also, the attacks were much better, only two normal length ones. So right now I'm just working on homework.

Tomorrow I'm also going to the mall with Ash and Harmony after school gets out, cause we only have a half day.

K, I'll keep it short.


05 October 2008

Just cause...

Haha I don't have a post that starts with J yet. I needed one so here it is. Just cause.


Anyways I just got back from Starbucks. I had fun talking to Ms. E as always. And getting out without family is very exciting every time. Makes me feel like we're progressing a little.

So, this week will be sorta weird. No school Monday, half-day Tuesday and Wednesday, a full day Thursday, and no school Friday.

I am making it through this week darn it!!

Well, I don't have much to say really......


04 October 2008

Pizza bones and water rocks.

So, this be dog. His favorite leftover meal in the world is pizza bones (pizza crusts) and water rocks (ice cubes.) He enjoyed tonight cause we had...Pizza and cold soda!
Yeah he's spoiled!
Today was good. I had a lot of attacks still, but they weren't nearly as long or bad as they were. I stopped taking the Lamictal today. By the time I get back in school Tuesday I should be back to my normal.
I went to the store with Mom, and then Tori's friend came over and they dyed each other's hair. Now Tori has black on the bottom...it actually doesn't look to bad.
Oh, and I get to see Ms. E tomorrow...same time same place. Change is bad lol.
So....today was boring, and tomorrow should be less boring.

03 October 2008

Yesterday and today's news.

So, yesterday morning we had my Special Education evaluation. Basically, all my teachers agreed that given the opportunity I was fully capable of doing the work and fully enthusiastic.

So it was agreed that I qualify for Special Instruction, which basically means that class work will be tailored to fit what I can do. Like, less practice as long as I can show I'm competent in a skill, extra time for projects if I need it, possibly short essays instead of long ones if it's deemed appropriate. Although honestly, I have no trouble whipping out a 5-7 paragraph essay that's well written and thorough in a little over an hour. Thanks Mrs. K!

Plus, once I get my Para, class should go much smoother. If I miss school or a class for hospital stays or doctors appointments or because I'm sick or whatever, my Para will still go to my classes to collect any work or notes I might have, then one of my sissies will bring it home. Also, then my teachers will be able to teach better, because right now in class they have to worry about watching me in case I went out, and if I did how long ago I went out, etc. etc.

So. I stayed home again today, just because we knew it would happen, the long set of attacks, and it did. But when I start school again next week the Lamictal will be out of my system and my hope is things will be back to normal, my normal anyways.

Oh, and I'll also most likely be switching out of Medical Careers and taking a study hall-type class 6th instead. I'm bummed but it's what I need. And since I still have two more years of school after this I'll still be able to complete the Medical Careers/Intro to Nursing course.


Oh, and Ms. E said she found me some hand lotion that doesn't get slimy and oily. I need some, but I can never find any that doesn't make me hate wearing my gloves. Cause she rocks. So I'll be seeing her some time this weekend. What a drag, dude...



02 October 2008

I'm going to be lazy..

I'll post about today tomorrow.


01 October 2008

Because I love her for her.

So, Tori gets a post too. I don't have much in the way to show how truly amazing she is, but I'll give it a shot with what I've got.

She's got her own way of drawing...kinda a mix of cartoon, plus her funky take on things. Add a bit of creativity and you get this!
She's also amazing at ASL, and pottery, although you'll never get her to admit it!
Love ya sis!

Stop the press!!

Dr. H called us back!!!


He said to stop the Lamictal, that is, wean off it over the next three days. Hopefully, once it's out of my system, I'll be able to function again.

Today didn't go well, but I did try. I was late to school because I was having too many attacks. Then when we got to school I was in the nurses office for another 30 minutes still having attacks. Then I headed to the tail-end of second period. I made it through that okay, it was like 25 minutes. Then I went to third, and only made it 10 minutes in before going out, and in, and out, and in, and out, and you get the idea.

At the end of third the nurse came and got me and she brought me back to the Health Room, then called my brother to come get me. We got home and I was jussst falling asleep when he came in to my room to say we had to go get Tori. Bleh.

Then we came home again. And I read, cause I couldn't sleep.

Then dinner, now this. I'll be going to bed soon. I have to be up early cause we have to go in early for my Special Education evaluation.

Here's just so you can smile.


Someone in school walks up to Ash and I. They ask "Are you two twins?"
Ash quickly replies with "no", while I try and squeeze out a "yes" first. I never win.
And so then there is a baffled person standing in front of us, trying to figure out who's telling the truth.

yeah....she's bad.